While most of us enjoy an occassional drink in responsible moderation, we've all woken up on a Wednesday morning with the alarm foghorning into our ear, forcing us to prop our pulsating head to blearily perceive through our crusted eyes that we're already an hour late for work. And the worst part, you know it's only going to get worse.
As you ride the elevator up to your office, it spins slightly, and something around you hints of bourbon. You quickly realize its you and that you're actually still drunk. Head pounding, you scald your gums trying to wolf down a Starbucks Grande Latte, hoping to God it will hide the whiskey stench, dreading someone standing next to you and quipping, "so, drinking an Irish coffee this morning?" And what you desire more than anything in the world is to be curled up in your bed with the lights off until this horrible, sickly pain disappears.
Like I said, we've all been there.
Today, I'm offering five options to cure your hangover woes before you get to the office. Sure, you may still smell like a brewery, but at least you won't feel like you are the brewery.
1. HIT THE GYM. I know, I know, this sounds like the LAST thing you want to do, but it truly works. If you can drag your drunken ass onto the treadmill and get your feet in gear, you're set. The more your body settles into the run and the more you begin to sweat, the better you'll feel. I'd definitely suggest having a bottle of water at your side though, because you are dehydrated. Don't be surprised if the other treadmills around you clear out pretty quickly. Apparently, some people enjoy exercising in the morning and actually don't feel like inebriating themselves off your fumes.
2. SEX. This cure presents several challenges, the first being you actually have to convince someone to sleep with you in your current state. This includes yourself. If somehow you've accomplished this, you should feel better already (or at least really really attractive). Why will a good bang help cure you? Much like option one, this gets your heart rate pumping and, honestly, are you really going to rememeber you have a hangover while in mid-coitus? If you do, you got bigger problems.*
3. HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO. Or your Snickers bar. Or your waffles. Really, anything with sugar. For those who didn't pay attention in high school biology or chemistry, it's very simple. Your body needs sugar to break down the alcohol. So, by pounding a pack of pixie sticks, you're just giving your body what it needs. The great thing is, it only takes 15 minutes or so for this to kick in. Unfortunately, the sugar high doesn't last long. You may need to stash quite a few peanut butter cups in your desk to keep the cure coming. The one downside to this solution: after several uses of this cure, you may find you no longer fit on your favorite barstool. But that's why God invented tables.
4. A FRIENDLY SNACK. This may only work for you East Coast folks, but other locales should find a way to improvise (Denny's, Campbell's soup, etc.). If you can find your way out of your house, find your nearest Friendly's restaurant and order up about the last thing you want to eat: New England Clam Chowder and a "Big Beef." Trust me the homestyle clams and cream stench will bring you to the brink of vomiting, but the flavor blast with the bacon and onions and herbs will jumpstart your brain. The square shaped "Big Beef" burger with bacon and cheese will make you smile and that grin will only grow larger as the greasy yumminess slips down your throat and into your tummy. Wash it all down with a Coffee Fribble® and you'll be ready to go to work. Of course, after all that food, you may develop heart trouble, so you may not want to use this option often. But, hey, at last you feel better.
5. MORE BOOZE. As counterintuitive as it seems, the hair of the dog that bit you is one of the best ways to cure that death-grip that has you coweing under the covers. This, by the way, is no recommended if you wake up with a hangover every day, because, really, that just means you're on a 24-hour cycle and, unless you dream to emulate the movie Leaving Las Vegas, don't do it. For example, crawling over your "friends" who are passed out on the floor to to pop open the one PBR that's left in the fridge before hopping the subway to the office isn't recommended. A Sunday morning mimosa or bloody mary, on the other hand might just rejuvenate you enough to leave the house to enjoy the day before the sun goes down.
* Interesting corallary to this cure: some people have been known to wake up next to something so hideous that they idea they may have inserted any part of their body into this thing's body is so putrid that the body automatically recovers from any alcohol induced effects. This is usually proceded by prolonged vomiting and a sterilizing hot shower.
