Slightly Known People - Sketch Comedy

Our partipants (clockwise from top left): Dan, Pace, Maia, Al/Robin, Mel, Daniel/Hilary.

Pace shows the progression throughout the day. Ends up passed out on the floor (bottom right).

The next morning, this is all that's left – the table is all sticky from cranberry juice, ginger ale and a whole lotta Mike's Hard Lemonade.

It's a bright Sunday afternoon out my apartment window here in New York City and I’m sprawled on the couch with two friends, Pace and Maia. We have a large bottle of Kahlua and a few large cups of coffee in front of us.

Over the next 12 hours we’ll play the drinking games to all five of Kevin Smith’s Jersey Trilogy films (the rules can be found on NewsAskew.com):

Clerks

Mallrats

Chasing Amy

Dogma

Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back

Clerks

We sip Kahlua and coffee on our own for the first 15 minutes of the film, but soon we’re knee deep, constantly drinking when people comment on the smell of shoe polish, whenever anyone buys cigarettes, anytime the video store or Quick Stop are locked during business hours, etc.

Our coffee runs out quickly and, with 1/3 of the Kahlua gone, we switch to a pitcher apple-tinis, just as our friends Al and Robin join us. Sadly, the first pitcher soon runs dry leaving us, with one-third of the movie left. To conserve sobriety (as much as possible) we switch to vodka-cranberry. Immediately Pace spills half the pitcher onto Maia and the floor. Way to go "Hands McGee."

Clerks tally:

220 sips

Pitcher of Apple Martini

Pitcher of Vodka Cran

1/3 bottle of Kahlua and coffee

Never did see the picture of Lenin’s tomb. Instead, we drank to missing it.

We take a short break when we realize our Mallrats DVD is scratched, but luckily discover we have the film on VHS. Maia’s imbibed enough that she’s speaking along with every line in the film. According to Mel, who’s just joined us, she would have done this sober and that it’s going to get worse as the day goes on. Either way, Pace and I plan on smashing the now-empty plastic handle of Smirnoff over her head if she keeps it up.

We take it upon ourselves to begin adding new rules: whenever the “chocolate” covered pretzels appear, everyone takes a drink. We rely on Maia’s knowledge of the film to tell us when to drink, while Pace, Allan and I compare Joey Lauren Adams to Rene Zellweger (using the DVD cover of Empire Records as a reference).

Another new rule: 5 drinks when Terri from Three’s Company eats her third nipple (10 if someone with you does it too).

We’re not having much luck with our ViewAskew collection. When we open Allan’s Chasing Amy DVD case, it’s empty. “It’s in the DVD player at home,” he says. “Sorry.” The entire room wants to strangle him. The room is also slightly spinning. Luckily, I have the VHS screener from when I reviewed it in college. The only distracting part is that every few minutes the words “DEMO TAPE ONLY NOT FOR RESALE” scroll across the screen, asking us to call 1-800-NO-COPYS (sic) if this is an illegal screening of the movie. Is it? Who knows at this point? Who cares, we’re drunk.

Speaking of which, the more difficult it becomes to take notes, the easier it is to make up new rules. Drink to the following:

Midway through the movie, we pause for replenishment. Pace, who has just fallen off his chair, decides he’ll make the run. According to him, it took all the energy he had to appear sober enough for the liquor store to sell him alcohol. Once he made it to the grocery store, however, he basically danced (ballet-style, nooch) through the aisles and impulse bought a pack Big League Chew – is there any other way to buy Big League Chew?

Before our pizza arrives, we explore my building and discover that someone’s abandoned leftovers from a party (little pinwheel sandwiches, a bowl of cheese doodles and an entire cheesecake). We steal these and bring them back to the house…just in case.

“Twinkle Toes” Pace returns to the apartment with provisions. He is bleeding. We don’t know why.

Before starting Dogma, we realize that we should mild-up our drinks, so we buy two boxes of coffee. Mmm… coffee and Kahlua. My stomach begins to hurt from all the sugar. Dogma starts and we realize, this movie only requires ONE new rule:

We put the movie in, but can’t read the printouts of the rules. So, we stop following them all together.

At the end of the movie, I take one look at the catastrophe that is my table and pass out.