PMS has arrived. You’re bloated and you're pimply, those tight jeans are a dream for next week, the treadmill looks like a torture device, chocolate isn't a desert, it's salvation for your soul. Here are some innovative tips
I’ve developed to help you feel more beautiful during this tumultuous period.
Get it? PERIOD!
1. Accentuate the boobies.
While your belly is bulging, so are your breasts. This is the time of month
for those low cut peasant tops that are just too frumpy during your
non-PMS days.
2. Avoid white guys.
I hate to stereotype, but we all know it's true. White guys tend to
be attracted to the skinny prepubescent boy body on women while men of
other backgrounds tend to have a greater appreciation for women with
curves. Make this the time of the month to find your dream Sir
Mixalot.
3. Tell people you're pregnant.
Ah, the beauty of deception. People will think your pimples are
merely a part of the rosy glow of motherhood. You'll probably get
lots of compliments and your ego will boom. Who knows? You might
even receive some pacifier shaped chocolate bon-bons as a gift.
Decide to have your miscarriage after 3 months and you've taken care of 25% of the year's PMS.
4. Get your exercise with “Vending Machine Dead Lifts”.
Keep your legs hip width apart, back straight and knees soft as you bend over to grab your peanut butter M+Ms. No pain, no gain. Bring lots of quarters and repeat the exercise for at least 12 reps. This exercise works your hamstrings.
5. Take Whip-Its for cramping.
Kill some brain cells and some nerve endings after you’ve finished off your can of Redi-Whip. This technique is guaranteed to give you at least 30 seconds of cramp free PMS and a great high. If you combine this highly illegal and dangerous method with tip #3… just imagine all the attention you’ll get!
