Although Dan has better legs than me, Erik has larger breasts, Josh has more piercings, and Stu has a tighter ass, I thought that taking on this column and deeming myself the beauty guru of the group would be an interesting challenge for 2005.

Nothing in this column has been approved by any doctors or beauty experts. So, suing me after you have transformed yourself into a hideous beast won't get you anywhere. I am a self-proclaimed expert with no certifications.
Remember, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Here is beauty tip number #1. Drink at least 32oz of water a day.

Back in my Weight Watchers days this was part of your daily eating requirements. In fact they had little diaries with bubbles that you would fill in for every piece of bread and chicken you ate and every cup of water you drank. It looked very similar to an SAT scorecard sheet. Supposedly drinking 8 glasses of H20 a day helps to fill your tummy up and flush your system out. However I am learning in my personal training course that losing water weight is not the same as losing fat. I've also learned that sports drinks are unnecessary for most athletes unless you are running marathons. They replenish your carbohydrates stores and electrolytes, which is great for after vomiting when you do lose a lot of electrolytes. So I recommend sports drinks for hangover victims, marathon runners, and bulimics (who of course won't want the extra calories anyway so they'll stick with water). Drinking this much water helps you lose weight because it makes you pee a lot, which if your bathroom is 200 feet across your office will burn some extra calories having to rush there 10 times a day. Water is also supposed to be good for your skin and helps prevent acne. I'm not so sure about this one. Even at 8 glasses a day the perfect skin of my youthful years has finally caught up to me in my mid 20s and my skin has morphed into that of an acne prone adolescent. Pimples suck and are generally not considered beautiful. Unless you have a pimple-popping fetish... they do exist. Popping pimples of course makes them even more un-beautiful.

Beauty tip #2: Don't pop your pimples.